So I spent days searching the internet for articles or blog posts or quotes or photos about being single. I have been single many times throughout my life, but not single when I didnt want to be. Let me make myself a little more clear. I am still in love with my ex, but we live 2500 miles apart from each other and I'm afraid once we live in the same city again he won't want me. It's a tough realization and a scary thought to have that the man I want to be with for the rest of my life doesn't find it convenient and doesn't want to be with me when we're far away. Isn't it supposed to be natural to want to see someone or want to talk to someone or go out of your way to be with the person you love? Maybe he's not the one for me, or maybe the timing is off, but I just look back to our year and a half together, our apartment, our drive across the country, and we never fought. Sure, we bickered, but we always smiled and laughed it away. But now, only time will tell what will happen. But the thing is, if he wants to get back together with me, why should I when he doesn't want me now. Technically, he doesn't deserve someone who cares about him as much as I do. But I want to be with him. Whhhhhhhy is love so confusing. Is this love? asldkfj I don't even know anymore.

Who Am I?

I'm pretty sure I've always been a hippie at heart. There I was, growing up on a farm in a small town. And now here I am, a university student staying in LA for the summer for an internship with one of the top casting companies in LA. So amazing how far I have come, and so amazing how much farther I plan on going.

A little about me and why I believe I'm a hippie at heart. For one, I do not kill flies, spiders, bugs, ants, cockroaches (they frighten me), or ant hills. If they are just minding their own business and not bothering me, then whatever. Let them live.

I am mostly vegetarian with my occasional slip up of unread ingredients in products from names I can't pronounce (which I am trying to be more careful about) and the occasional bite of sushi (yum. sorry.)

Here I am, using No-Poo and loving it. And then I get on pinterest and find research that no-poo isn't that great for your scalps pH levels. So I'm going to try a new recipe using coconut oil and pure aloe vera gel for shampoo and continue using the apple cider vinegar to balance pH and condition the ends.

And another thing...

I've always known that trans fat and aluminum lead to cancer and increases the risk of alzheimer's disease. Guess what's in my deodorant? I don't use just any deodorant. I use either dove or secret's clinical strength. The $12 per 4 or 5 oz of pretty much aluminum to stop the anti-perspiring. But I don't have an sweat problem. I can't find a product that I like that stops the odor. Until this same website! The ultimate hippie woman! I would pretty much summarize what she said, but here's her link http://thankyourbody.com/homemade-deodorant/

So this week I will buy the products, maybe even tonight if my boyfriend gets back in time!

I'm transforming, but not really. I believe everyone needs to know what they are putting into their bodies. Do your research and beat cancer to the ground! You are what you eat, and you are what you put onto your body.

LA Pride Parade

It was so much fun! I loved seeing all of the support that the LGBT community has, both from the LGBT community and straight. However....I am not happy at all with the christians/religious protesters. Like really? You can't let them have one day? I almost started crying. How can one group of people believe that they are better than others. They say they are trying to spread the word of God and "save the gays" but they are mean and raining on their parade! I did smile, though, when I saw a group of lgbt supporters walking back and forth in front of the bigots with huge rainbow colored flags so the protesters couldn't really see the parade...but still! Those flag holders didn't get to enjoy the parade! Come on, people! Let others do what they want. They aren't harming you! They don't vote on whether or not you're allowed to get married! So why should it even be up to a vote for them? They are human. Let them live this short life on earth the way they want to!

No Poo day 3

So it's been 3 days since I've washed my hair (I shower daily still, mind you).

This 3rd day is prett-ay prett-ay pretty gross. Can't wait to scrub it with some baking soda and vinagaaaa!

Update on famous people in LA!

Finally!

I saw Courtney Cox Arquette. And, being the Larry David/Curb your enthusiasm fan that I am, I so wanted to yell out my window: MONICA!! Not because I'm psycho and/or a fan, but just because I'm sure she gets that ALL of the time.

And I've seen her recently on tv and she is disgusting and old and bony looking.

NOT in real life. She was absolutely gorgeous! Really thin, too, but not like anorexia, scary thin.


Side note, there are no fat people in LA. I saw maybe one. But that was on Hollywood Blvd so that doesnt count. (she most likely was a tourist)

So in LA I have met a total of 2 famous people. And neither one of them count...
1. Nigel Olsson
Better known as Elton John's Drummer.
Why doesn't he count? I'm dating his nephew.

2. Jon Favreau
Really famous comedian/actor/writer/director
Why doesn't he count? It was at work and we never got introduced because I'm only an intern.

Week one of No Poo Showering

So Here We Have It Folks I washed my hair on Monday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Saturday. Monday was great! I ended up straightening my hair because I'm retarded. Tuesday my hair was good toooooo. It looked like a second day hair though :/ Wednesday wasn't necessary to wash but I wanted to put beach spray in my hair and make it wavy so I ended up washing it. Not really a fan with the beach spray mixing with the no-poo trend...My hair appeared darker and felt heavier/partially greasy. Thursday I only washed it to get rid of the waviness from the day before. Things went well. Friday my hair was gorgeous! Couldn't even tell it was second day! I had to wash my hair on saturday because I went to the gym and my hair was definitely greasy even before the gym. But now my hair is still greasy after washing so I might have to add a little bit more baking soda to the squeeegee bottle and see if that helps it. On to week 2!

No Poo Journal

So here's to day one, well, pretty much day 2 since I had to buy the materials and prep my shower for this new change. That's right. I'm gonna try out The No-Shampoo trend.

I usually have veryyyy dry brittle hair (atleast that's what I think) so I wanted to see what this trend is about and how my hair can be in its most natural state. I even read some articles where women just wash their hair with water! crazy.

So anyways.

I used 1 tablespoon of baking soda mixed with one cup of water, poured into a squeeze bottle from target. Thats the "shampoo" replacement. You then use a couple tablespoons of apple cider vinegar mixed with a cup of water, put this in a spray bottle (also bought from target).

So you know, just wash like normal. Put the baking soda concoction all up in your roots and scrub..this is sort of a slippery feel..not really a lather..but you can tell that it's not just water, that it's cleaning. Rinse thoroughly. Then spray the vinegar combo in your hair, but not on your roots. Continue to wash your body and face with soaps and stuff and then rinse out your hair.

Comb, blow dry. I then put keratin oil throughout the ends of my hair.

And I must say, not too bad for the transition phase. A litttttttle frizzy/potentially greasy feeling...but not too bad! I think that since I've been using the keratin complex from organix so since that was a sulfate and silicone free shampoo, it's only going to take a few washes to when my hair reaches its "natural" point.

So excited!!

got an interview to work on eastbound & down costume PA. whattttttttttttttt

I'm not one who would consider myself lucky. Until recently. Somehow I feel like fate is finally intervening. I believe that I am kind and maybe my hatred that I feel inside is jealousy for all of these people around me having things handed to them. But I have always heard the greater reward is by earning things yourself. Here is what has been happening lately:

1- Got a message from a girl asking if I could cater in her place (a job that I've been wanting for a whole year)
2- Made over 250 in just 4 nights of working at said catering company
3- Finding $10 while walking my boyfriends dog
4- Every scratch off I win something (nothing more than $5 but still)
5- I GOT AN INTERNSHIP WITH SARAH FINN CASTING COMPANY for the summer.
6- The internship is literally 3 miles from ashleys apartment
7- I received a $1000 stipend? scholarship? from AMPAS.
8- Ashleys uncle basically got us a gym membership for a steal
9- Rachelle gave me a bag of her really nice clothes fooorrr free

I'm sure a lot more has been happening around me lately and I would hate to jynx anything but wow. this is happiness. The little things you get when you are so used to being told good things and having them taken away. But not this time. I feel like this karma or whatever you may call it is here to stay. Please stay?

unfair

death seems to be all around me. how is it that i've been able to pick up all the pieces and live with it when some others can't handle anything. when will i reach that point of devastation? with my fathers, grandmothers, best friends dad, other best friends mom, many classmates parents, and now hearing my grandfather has decided to accept death, to give up, to discontinue his chemotherapy treatments and is currently lying in a hospital bed in the ICU in brazil? i think ive reached that point. My chest feels hollow.

what?really?!

i need to get off the computer. depressed by reading/seeing on facebook how two of my friends are engaged just today

Collection

Kicking, thrashing, 

She's become lost

gripped in between the claws of life .

The monotonous drone of the swell

breaks routinely, incessantly.

A spectacle of white and green, lures her under

Which,

Lulls her into a peaceful slumber.

The beauty of it all

engulfs, carries,

And caresses the stone in her core.

It replaces the emptiness and fear;

It evades her of all unease.

The ache is inevitable and she

Anticipates

Its return.

Her throat begins to tighten

And constrict.

The feeling of security is now a foreign concept.

She’ll never see him

Again

The salinity from her eyes fades into the depths of

the unknown,

combines with the brine.

They too,

have left her.

A collection of memories most valuable in the world,

Floats away.

She wishes she could collect those tears

And build another him.

wanting

Yet still, each tedious wave crashes upon the shore.
it provides a sense that life goes on with or without you.
But, tell me, why doesn't anyone ask for more?

Day in and day out I'm lying on the floor
scribbling down a line about life or two.
Yet still, each tedious wave crashes upon the shore

It's all an endless, useless bore.
It's as if everything was set to its own cue.
But, tell me, why doesn't anyone ask for more?

Why must life appear to be a list of chores?!
I need enjoyment. I need fulfillment. Would I find that with you?
Yet still, each tedious wave crashes upon the shore.

Be forewarned, what if nothing lies beyond the door?
You're stuck without a clue
But, tell me, why doesn't anyone ask for more?

I feel a longing for belonging deep in my core.
What if it's too late, what if there's nothing left to do?
Yet still, each tedious wave crashes upon the shore.
But, tell me, why doesn't anyone ask for more?

Biggest Fear

Lightning fast the days they pass and turn and whip and I yearn I'm searching for my reason, my will, my passion. No one knows why the days
they fly by.
Can someone, anyone, you there, please catch me. The ground's about to hit
my feet.
I'm falling I'm leaping.
Gravity!
I'm challenging you. The wind whispers secrets to my ears. I'm listening intently yet I hover with
no answers.
Colors fade
with the passing of time and brighten
when i see you smile.
take that gravity.

Ode to Bittersweet Farms

The day begins here:

when the rooster's crow echoes off the mountains in the distance, saying hello and good mornin' to the sun.

I stretch and yawn, and find my way to the kitchen, lead by my mother's voice, "C'mere,

breakfast is done."

I skip, gallop, and run through the moistened grass

towards the winding brush creek.

I whip through the trees and leap through the rocks, pass

through the water, and examine cool shaped stones and crawdads that reek.

The distant distinct cries of the month old babies,

after being taken from their mother, the longing ache of the heifer's heartbreaking shriek

makes me furious at my father and drives him crazy.

But soon, as the calves grow tired and older, my complaints grow unnoticed and weak.

The garden full of roses and vegetables mix
with the powerful stench of the fresh manure.

Down yonder and around the bend is where we set up our picnics,

baskets full of invigorating fruits and homemade meals that draw such sweet allure.

Why must the day end, and with it, the brilliant sun always set?

I wish the colors would last; the reds, the oranges, the pink and yellow hues....

I'll say goodbye again, and I mustn't forget

that I'll see them soon.

Supper is made as we gather 'round the kitchen table.

We share with each other our thoughts, laughter, and ideas

as we begin and end each day feeling like we're able

to do anything that our heart desires throughout all ages.

Rainy days were the days that I preferred;

My body didn’t tremble with each intense strike of lightning in the purple-esque sky.

Aside from new life, rain also taught me that the angels were moving their furniture, with each roll of the thunder.

I felt comfort in the confines of my tin roof house and the tattering of raindrops that tingled gently made me sigh.

As the days turn to weeks, then months, and inevitably, years;

everything must change, life must go on.

My father, my dad, my daddio is always near,

Laid to rest upon that hill, overlooking every river bend, sunrise, sunset, cattle cry, and each mowed lawn.

Again, life must go on in this bittersweet life,

on this Bittersweet Farm.

sonnet attempt, mix of shakespearean and petrarchan

men



You are mine. Forever and always
I'll be by your side,
until the end of days.
Tell me all your secrets; confide
in me, believe in our love,
for it will last for perhaps eternity;
you must have been sent from up above.
Darlin' of mine, don't ever leave me.

Baby, I forgot your name...
but don't you fret!-
I'm not one to play any games,
(if you're willing to bet.)
Honey, my love for you is true,
however, this is meant for another, but for now, you'll do.

the spy--the attempt of a villanelle

This hunger is the writhing, insatiable thirst of men.
There is no escape;
It's always sneaking in.

It pulses through my veins and the blood of my kin,
My mind is left agape,
This hunger is the writhing, insatiable thirst of men.

Power is a sin--
a sin that haunts everyone in its wake;
It's always sneaking in.

There are no limits of where its been.
There's nothing left to take.
This hunger is the writhing, insatiable thirst of men.

Failure is unacceptable within.
Everything is at stake.
It's always sneaking in.

No one lends a helping hand.
A void, an abyss, an emptiness shake, shake, shake.
This hunger is the writhing, insatiable thirst of men;
It's always sneaking in.

louise gluck

The white rose

This is the Earth? Then

I dont belong here.

Who are you in the lighted Windows,

shadowed now by the flickering leaves

of the wayfarer tree?

Can you survive where I wont last

Beyond the first summer?

All night the slender branches of the tree

shift and rustle at the bright Windows.

Explain my life to me, you who make no sign,

Though I call out to you in the night:

I am not like you, I have only

my body for a voice; I cant

disappear into silence—

And in the cold morning

over the dark surface of the Earth

echoes of my voice drift,

whiteness steadily absorbed into Darkness

as though you were making a sign after all

to convince me you too couldnt survive here

or to show me you are not the Light I called to

but the blackness behind it